This month I will be starting a series on caregiving that I hope will be helpful to all caregivers.

A caregiver is someone who cares for an ill, disabled or aging person. Your help might range from driving someone to appointments and picking up prescriptions, to live-in support. One fourth of adults are caregivers in one way or another. You probably provide care yourself, but might bring in other family members, friends or hire someone.

Most of us “ease” into caregiving in a gradual manner. We are going to town and offer to run errands or provide a ride. Our parent may ask us to go to a doctor’s appointment with them to help remember information or make decisions with them. Some personal care would be a help - cutting nails, hair care, etc. Arthritis can make it difficult to grip clippers or bend to reach.

Perhaps we notice some assistance is needed around the home - yard cleaning, simple repairs, moving heavy objects, changing light bulbs, etc.

Every “caring” situation is different. It may involve a gradually increasing need for care, temporary help after surgery or illness or long term care. Each one has its own “learning curve.” You do your best, ask questions from professionals and advise from other caregivers and learn as you go along. Whenever possible you and the person being cared for should discuss and make decisions together. Having these discussions can be very difficult.

Often you have to use the case of a friend or relative to start a discussion. For example: Aunt Mary had a severe stroke leaving her with no mobility on her right side and vision difficulties. She received wonderful care in the hospital and she and the family have decided to go into a nursing home for therapy and rehabilitation. Other options are being discussed for when she finishes therapy.

Draw your parent into a discussion about what they think and their opinions. What would they want in the same situation? You might be very surprised about their opinions regarding nursing homes, senior housing, small apartment versus the family home and even moving in with a child or sibling.

Having some idea what the person would want (if at all possible) can make it so much less heartbreaking for all the people involved. Parents - make sure you tell all your family the same thing about your wishes. Terrible, long time family disputes can result if you don’t.